The story of Benjamin is a story of miracles. To begin with, his very existence should have been impossible. My body doesn’t make babies without lots of medical intervention, and yet, to my great surprise, I found myself inexplicably pregnant last summer.
Getting pregnant was the last thing I expected to happen right then. We had just moved to Utah and I had started thinking about what the next stage of our life was going to look like with older kids. I had decided the time had finally come to go back to school, and I had been researching law schools and starting the paperwork to volunteer with the ACLU in Salt Lake. My brother, Michael, and his family had been here visiting and some of their kids had gotten sick; so when I started feeling sick right after they left I figured I had just caught whatever they had. But the sickness just stayed and I couldn’t get better. And when my breasts became excruciatingly painful I began to worry about breast cancer.
I don’t remember what made me think to take a pregnancy test, but we decided I should do that before heading to the doctor, just in case….
Surprised isn’t really the right word. I was shaken to my very core. This was not in our plans, this was not even possible, and the whole world felt completely upside down. I was shocked and terrified. I kept reading about everything that could go wrong because of my “advanced maternal age” or, my favorite, my “geriatric pregnancy,” and it was a lot of things. Scary things.
The second miracle in Benjamin’s story is how God used this unexpected change to change and teach me. Lots of tearful prayerful showers (that is my meditation time) softened my heart and taught me to let go of my pride and truly submit my will to God’s. First about bring pregnant at all, and then about accepting whatever the challenges and outcomes of this pregnancy might be. I learned a lot about faith and trust and finding peace in submission. And I will never be the same person I was before the tears and terror were swallowed up in the peace of Christ. I learned to truly pray “Thy will be done” and mean it, and know that whatever that meant would be beautiful and because He loved me.
As my pregnancy progressed I began collecting complications. After morning sickness the next complication to show up was SPD (Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction), or pelvic girdle pain. When you are pregnant your body produces a hormone called relaxin that, among other functions, relaxes the tendons in you pubic bone allowing it to shift and make room for the growing baby. My body produced too much of this hormone too soon, causing too much movement and intense pain. For a while I could barely walk, could not roll over in bed, could not sit on chairs, couldn’t lift any weight, my body was in pain all the time. When I came down stairs in the morning I wasn’t going back up until I had to that night. I spent most of the day, everyday, trying to ease the searing pain in the front and back of my hips. This condition is supposed to worsen over the course of the pregnancy and some people end up on crutches or even in a wheel chair. I had five excruciating months stretching out before me, and I grew increasingly frustrated with my inability to take care of my family or myself.
One night, after slowly pulling myself up the stairs, the frustration was overwhelming. I couldn’t see how I could keep doing this for so much longer, and despaired about what would happen if things got worse. I asked Omar for a priesthood blessing because I just couldn’t take it on my own any more. I don’t remember much of what he said, except to be patient because the pain would only be for a little while longer. I remember thinking that I supposed a few more months was only a little while longer when some people have to endure a lifetime of pain. And I was comforted. But had I been more in tune with the Holy Spirit I would have known that God meant that much more literally. Two days later Benjamin shifted somehow, way up into my rib cage, where I carried him literally until it was time to push in labor. He was so unusually high that both my doctor and the woman who would later do my non-stress tests always had a hard time finding where to check for his heart beat because it wasn’t where anyone expected it to be. In fact the nurse who would do my non-stress tests was always worried he was breach if his heart was that high! (He wasn’t.) When he moved up it released most of the pressure on my pelvic bone, and while there was still some pain, I could walk and go up and down my stairs and do everything I needed to to take care of my family. For some reason most chairs were still painful, but that was such a small price to pay. Two weeks after Benjamin was born, my ribs were still bruised on the inside from being kicked so hard and so close. But I didn’t mind, because when I felt it, it reminded me of my faithful husband, and another miracle in this story.
Two more pregnancy complications were soon to follow. My heart was elevated to the point I would get dizzy standing at the fridge filling my cup with water. Walking was never as much of a problem as standing still. After seeing a cardiologist and wearing a hear monitor for 72 hours they decided it was just a weird pregnancy thing and would likely go away after he was born. (It has.) And I developed gestational diabetes toward the end of my pregnancy, which involved testing my blood through finger pricks four times a day. I was able to be diet controlled except for my fasting numbers that last month, and so had to give myself insulin shots at night before bed. That likely went away when I delivered Benjamin, but it isn’t something we will check for a while because crazy postpartum hormones mess with blood sugars, so there is no way to know yet. (here’s hoping!)
We finally made it to 39 weeks (my brother Michael’s birthday, February 12th) and it was time for induction. Labor and recovery was as fun as always (haha – 2 “ha”s for sarcasm), but it was also a time of miracles.
The first miracle was that the doctor has mistakenly written the order for pitocin to be really low and really slow, so it took a long time before anything really happened. But I believe that was divine intervention because I had a bad reaction to the epidural and my blood pressure kept dropping way too low and they would have to give me shots of adrenaline to get it back up. And when we thought we had it all under control it tanked again enough that I passed out. I knew that my body goes from 0-60 fast once it is ready and if they had given me the normal doses of pitocin at the beginning I believe it would have really complicated things if I was passing out when it was time to push.
Once they upped the pitocin my labor progressed very quickly. I was dilated and effaced in no time. Benjamin was always very wiggly and hard to monitor, so when the doctor had come to check on my earlier (and discovered the slow progress) she had put a monitor in his head so they could keep better track of him. She took a long time coming once I was ready, but I was in no pain and Benjamin looked good on the monitor, so no one was in a hurry. When she finally got there she accidentally knocked the monitor out of his head. He had been doing so well the whole time no one was worried about it.
They told me to push and I had him out in 6 pushes, 2 contractions worth. Which was another miracle. He was 9 pounds and sunny side up, and I had an epidural which is supposed to make pushing harder. Isaiah had been much smaller but sunny side up and the doctor at his delivery had to use mechanical intervention to get him out and there was a lot of tearing. Benjamin came right out with only a tiny first degree tear. But much more importantly, he came out blue because he had the chord wrapped around his neck twice and once around his body. No one knew he was in distress because he was no longer being monitored. Because he came so fast, there was no harm, he cried and pinked up almost immediately. But the outcome could have been very different. And I am so grateful for Divine Intervention on his behalf.
There was another miracle at his moment of arrival. For some time it had felt real that I was pregnant, but that a baby was going to come at the end of it, another real person, did not feel real to me at all. I didn’t have the giddy baby anticipation at all. And I was worried because when Isaiah was born it took me a long time to feel bonded to him. This pregnancy had been so hard and unexpected, and I was afraid I would have a hard time loving Benjamin. I was praying hard to love him. As soon as he came out and they placed him on my belly I was overwhelmed with love for him, to the point of crying about it. Which seems like a normal reaction, but isn’t for me. I am not the cry with joy at the sight of my children kind of woman. But I was that morning. And it felt really surreal and really miraculous.
Benjamin’s blood sugars were great, and his breathing was good. They were worried at first because he hums all the time, and that can be a sign of problems, but his oxygen was always perfect. He was a little big jaundiced, but good enough that they sent us home after 24 hours. Thank goodness because there was no sleep in the hospital with people busting in constantly during the time that we were there. We made a doctor’s appointment for two days later to recheck his bilirubin and merrily went home.
My sister Cari was here taking care of the older boys, and Greta came to see the baby that night as well. He was having a really hard time nursing. He would trash the whole time and not stayed latched and then arch his back and scream and cry. I figured he was just figuring things out, but it kept getting worse. He was miserable all the time. I looked up the behavior and realized it matched the symptoms for bad reflux, and when we took him to the doctor he had lost a whole pound. The doctor gave me some advice about what to avoid in my diet and said most baby’s have reflux so just keep feeding him and keep track of if he was gaining weight.
We went home and things did not improve. 2 nights later I was in the nursery with Benjamin in the middle of the night trying to feed him while he screamed and thrashed. Omar came in to sit with me as we tried to figure out what to do. And that is when the next miracle occurred. Omar gave Benjamin a Priesthood Blessing. He told him he was supposed to be in our family, and what a blessing he was for us. And that he had important things to do in life. And then he blessed him to be healed and able to eat and grow. Benjamin calmed right down, and has never had another problem eating and is gaining weight like a champ.
We are all getting used to a new normal. The boys weren’t sure they were going to love having a new baby in the house, but they love him lots and always want his attention. Isaiah says the only thing that has really changed about his life is that I am less strict now because I more distracted. (great! what am I missing?)
Omar dotes on Benjamin and is an adorable dad. And I am finally getting enough sleep to be able to think a little bit. The beginning was rough because first we were in the hospital and then I was paranoid about the noises he would make when he was breathing so I couldn’t sleep, and feeding him was so hard, and the first night we had him home from the hospital there were two earthquakes, and another a few days later, sending my anxiety through the roof. The postpartum hormone and lack of sleep got to me and I was a mess, but we are all happy and healthy now.
Omar has been my rock through everything. He never panicked and was always excited about Benjamin from the beginning. He kept and keeps me sane when I get overwhelmed. He takes care of all of us with tenderness and humor and we would all be lost without him.
We are so grateful for this sweet baby that has joined our family. And grateful to a loving Heavenly Father and grace and miracles that brought him to us. I am so excited to see who Benjamin will be.
