As I have been applying for jobs and trying to get back into the workforce, I have spent a lot of time and emotional resources noticing the cost of choosing to step out of a career to be a stay home mom. It is true, that it is a choice that doesn’t come without sacrifices, but today I am thinking about how it also came with beautiful and important rewards.
When I was working with two small children, even though I was working from home (an amazing opportunity in 2004) it was still very difficult for me to do the mom/web developer balancing act. I was completely in charge of my hours and had total flexibility as a freelance web developer. But any time I was not working, the work I could be doing was pulling at me. Even when I didn’t have an active project waiting for my attention I could be marketing, or learning, or networking. There was always more to do. And that made it really hard for me to be emotionally available and present with my kids.
When I stepped away from my career to focus on my children, it was sometimes lonely, and often boring and repetitive. But it was also magical. I got to see the wonder of the world through their eyes. Growing up I thought I hated science and art. I struggled with perfectionism. But exploring with my sons I was able to enjoy and love things I had been missing out on my whole life. Following their curiosity and teaching them mistakes were part of the process blew my mind open to things I had never considered that I could enjoy, let alone come to love.
I loved being able to focus on loving them. I loved being able to be there when they needed me, and to support them and teach them, and let my life’s work be that. It felt important and beautiful and empowering.
It also gave me time for hobbies, and flowers, and reading, and learning, and working with non-profits that I was passionate about. I could volunteer at school, I could teach music and art and work at the museum as a docent. I could tramp through the hills collecting wildflower specimens for an annual exhibit. I could run, and hike and play with friends as our kids played together. I had the option that lots of people don’t to choose how to fill my time and build my days and my life.
It was always a sacrifice for my husband and me. We gave up a lot of things and stuff to live on one income. It made the full burden of making sure we were housed and fed his alone to carry. I gave up some of my ambition and he made career decisions that were often hard to make sure we were okay. And sometimes those sacrifices were harder than others.
Choosing to step away from a career, and be financially dependent on someone else, knowing you will likely never be able to make up the difference, is a huge act of faith. It is a different kind of brave to choose trust and give up some control of your own needs being met. It has been a beautiful choice for our family, even with all of the sacrifices. I have been really lucky that it was a safe choice for me.
So as as I making decisions about work, applying for jobs, deciding what that should look like I am left with some big questions.
What makes a successful person? What is a successful career? What are the things I am not willing to sacrifice?
Those are hard and complicated questions to answer. That’s life: every choice we make requires us to not choose something else. There is no way to do it all and have it all.
The hard things in life are usually also the beautiful things. It has been really easy for me to focus on my frustration and the difficulty of finding a job after a long break to be a mom. But that is only part of the truth. And today, my heart is gratefully full of the magical parts.
