The Lonely Part

Leaving the Mormon church has been many things for me. One of those things is hurtful and lonely. Leaving Mormonism is not just leaving your religion, it is also losing your community and your people.

Losing people has taken different forms for me. For a lot of people, it was just crossing me off of a list. I was one less person to feel responsible for. And I get it. There is a lot of work and worry to being Mormon. And none of us are close to every person in our ward. But there is a certain comfort to knowing there are people who feel responsible for you just because you belong to them. A tribe that will likely show up in an emergency and notice if you went missing. If I am being honest, this would have hurt way more in other places, but Utah has always been a lonely place for me. I always felt like an outsider here. And even though that is true, I still feel the loss of that community. And maybe more so in Utah, where you are always Mormon or not-Mormon, whatever else you may be.

Losing people has also been losing people I thought were real friends. Sometimes Facebook will suggest friends I used to have. Or someone who still talks to me lets slip that some mutual friends are done with me. It is people who used to be excited to see you that suddenly look mortified when they run into to you. It is people who ignore you when you reach out, or stop reaching out to you. I intellectually knew this would likely happen. I grew up being warned against dangerous apostates, too. I had all the same lessons about when things make you feel uncomfortable it is because they are driving away the Holy Spirit. I know where it comes from, and I knew it was coming. And yet, it still hurts anyway.

Not everyone leaves. But losing people still happens in a less obvious way with some people who stay. Leaving the church and all the joy and pain that comes with it have been a huge part of my life these past months. There are some of my people who have stuck around, but cannot hear or acknowledge any of that joy or pain or experience. I am only allowed to share pieces of my life and self that they still find acceptable, and not, the spoken or unspoken, things they find shameful. It is a whole different kind of loneliness and hurt.

In those cases, it also make me not trust people enough to share anything bad or painful in my world, church related or not. Because I know they are secretly hoping I will change my mind and cannot support me unless I do. I am afraid they will secretly rejoice in my struggles because maybe I will learn to come back from them. I see hidden agendas in invitations and conversations. And so I have to keep myself walled off in protection.

That is not to say everyone that is Mormon has reacted in ways that left me hurting and lonely. That is far from the truth. I have learned that I have people who love me, all the parts of me, no matter what both in and out of the church. And that has been so soul healing. 

Through those friends and family that have truly been my safe space I have learned a lot about what love really is and does.

Loving someone is being willing to, no, wanting to, listen to their thoughts and experiences, even when you totally disagree. And being willing to share your own.

Loving someone is caring about all of their hurts and joys. It is not making someone feel like you think their hurts are their own fault. Or their joys are shallow or unimportant. It is caring even when you can’t personally relate.

Loving someone is trusting them to be good people trying to do good in the world, and reacting to them that way.

Loving someone is loving them right where they are, without an agenda. It is honoring their own wisdom and heart as they take their own journey in this life.

Loving someone is lot of other things, too, but these examples have really opened my heart recently. 

And while I know none of us are perfect loving each other, least of all me, I am grateful for those tender hearts that show me how to do it better. I am grateful for a different perspective, that has led to painfully gained awareness of where I have fallen short in the past, and how I want to do better now and in the future. 

But I am also still sad.